Balloon out of all bola88 proportion

 Normally, I have little to no time for politicians; but when plans were afoot to open a massage parlour in my neighbourhood, I felt obliged to write to my local MP, demanding that action be taken to keep prices at an affordable level.

 

Flushed with this successful foray into the political arena, I’ve decided to help out Jack Straw in the aftermath of the veil wearing controversy. I’ve suggested that the Government introduce new legislation making it compulsory for all British females to cover up, until a recent photograph has been graded by a select group of professionals. It works on almost every level.

 

While that solution was relatively simple, the conundrum that is Man U v Liverpool is proving far more perplexing. After studying the stats, the value lies with United at 10/11.

 

I can predict with relative confidence that this will not be a goalfest. The last four matches between the old foes have either been goalless or settled by a single strike. In Merseyside, a 1-0 win for Man U would be about as welcome as Boris Johnson, but the smart money is in play at 6/1.

 

I’ve given young Rooney a fair bit of stick this bola88 season, but recent form suggests he’s approaching his stunning best. Admittedly, he’s still not scoring, but there’s no doubting his greatness. Rooney is available at a big fat 28/1 to score the only goal of the game.

 

Fulham last won away at Aston Villa in March 1973, 8½ months before I was born. Somewhat worryingly, my old dear was a Villa Park regular in the 70’s, and she was never shy in putting herself about. It’s entirely possible that I could be the apple of an ex Fulham player’s eye, I’m just praying it’s not Rodney Marsh. The unbeaten Villa will extend Fulham’s dismal run in the Midlands, you should play at a promiscuous 8/11.

 

I have a theory that Steve McClaren may be hard of hearing. He’s completely oblivious to Gareth Barry’s incessant knocking on the England door and just the sight of the inept manager is enough for me to break into sign language. Barry looks a great shout at 9/2 to score at any time.

 

Chelsea have won every Premiership fixture against Portsmouth (six in total) by a 2-0 or 3-0 scoreline. Is this a statistical anomaly or a trend that will lead to a mountain of riches? I’m hoping for the latter. You must cover either of these scores for a potential payout of 5/2; it’s not erm…rocket science.

 

Frank Lampard has been nominated for the Ballon d’or; now I’m not bilingual, so I’m guessing the translation is something like ‘Balloon Man’. It’s said that Frank Lampard never misses training; he would if they renamed it ‘the goal’. Lampard may have found the net in both of last season’s meets with Pompey; but Drogba is a far more likely candidate to net the opener at 7/2.

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As a consequence of a horrific collision with Petr Cech, the name of Stephen Hunt has been immortalised in Cockney rhyming slang. As Reading have lost every competitive match they have played against Arsenal, i’ll be having a ‘Stevie’ (punt) on the Gunners at 8/13.

 

I backed Robbie Savage to score at any time last week, so you can imagine my disappointment as he passed to a team-mate when in goal scoring range; I just wish he’d have shot himself. An in form Blackburn host a quality Bolton side, the draw looks a reasonable investment at 11/5.

 

Spurs needed the touch of an Angel to earn a point last week; heavenly intervention will not be necessary against West Ham. Martin Jol has finally realised that Jermain Defoe is worth a place in his starting line-up, the miniature former Hammer can be the catalyst for a Tottenham win at 4/5.

 

Newcastle are unbeaten in their last six matches against Middlesbrough, but as Steve McClaren was the manager for all of those games, that achievement is somewhat diminished. Boro can finally call the Toon at the Riverside at a pretty 6/4.

 

I’m not particularly skilled in the bedroom, but I’m pretty good at table tennis. Everton are a top notch bet at 4/7 to see off Sheffield United at Goodison, it might not be nap bet territory, but it’s definitely a close neighbour.

 

The acc:

 

The accer this week is so explosive, North Korean midget Kim Jong-il has expressed an interest.

Everton, Aston Villa, Man Utd, Middlesbrough and Tottenham are the five selections, the payout is a magnificent 22/1.

 

The specials:

 

“A tasty Red head” - Paul Scholes to score with a header 7/1

“Purple Wayne” - Wayne Rooney to be sent off 16/1

“The Huth is out there” - Robert Huth to score at any time 6/1

“And bags” - Andy Johnson to score two or more goals 4/1

“Juan sighs, Fitz Hall” - Aston Villa to be awarded a penalty and Fitz Hall to score at any time 50/1

“There's a bad moon on the rise” - Joey Barton to score with a header 10/1